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Commercials That Fuck Me Off

Lets start with the general commercial stereotype, that is, Mr Average-Guy. You know what I'm talking about. That bald potbellied suit and tie wearing fuck that works in an office, is totally whipped by his wife, and is at least partially retarded. I can't think of a more annoying stereotype, it gives me fucking eye-twitches as I type about it. These guys show up in almost all car commercials, infact, they seem to specialize in selling shitty cars. There's one I keep seeing where average guy and his wife get into a new car, and Mr Average keeps playing with the windows, fiddling with the radio, moving the seat around, and fucking with everything like a hyperactive child until his domineering bitch-wife gets pissed off and takes over the driver's seat. What message is this sending? That men are inherently stupid? Or that stupid men marry bitchy women? Or that the human race really has degenerated this far? I leave you the reader to judge.

Now for the myriad of Herpes medication commercials. These always feature pretty women talking about their 'problem,' reminding us that it can't be cured, but it CAN be controlled and if they're careful, they can even dupe some poor guy into dating them. There's always the ending shot of them running down the beach and mr Poor-sucker grabbing her from behind in an embrace. Of course, just because you spend your life slutting around until you get an STD, doesn't mean you shouldn't be able to date some poor sap right? Who needs responsibility, this is the new millennium!

Why does every fucking diaper commercial have to show a close up of a dimpled, gross, naked, baby ass? Besides giving extreme-pedophiles wank material, it's just classless. There is NOTHING cute about naked babies. They shit all over everything and a naked baby is just asking for trouble. Just incase you sentimental fart-huffers didn't read me right the first time, let me repeat, THERE IS NOTHING CUTE ABOUT NAKED BABIES.

And now for the Anti-Smoking ads. Now let me point out, I am a smoker, a bonafide pack-a-day smoker. Every pack of cigarettes or cigars I buy has warning labels all over it telling me how dangerous it is, but apparently that's not enough, because now we in Canada have a group of kids putting out annoying, sensationalist public-service type commercials. There was one where it shows a dog taking a shit and then a girl jumping into the pile of shit and rolling around in it.... she then gets up and says "Why would someone intentionally do something to make themselves smell like dog crap?" The commercial makes me want to shit. All over her pretty little face. Bearing in mind that dog turds and cigarette smoke smell NOTHING alike, this commercial is stupid because it ignores the reason most people do smoke, the world is a stressful place and cigarettes give us a much needed break. While I'm on the subject of smoking, I'm sick of anti-smoking whiners trying to push legislation to ban smoking in pubs and bars. Sure, get rid of smoking, that just leaves the liver damage caused by all that alcohol, the diseases you might pick up from a bar-skank, and the diarrhea caused by shitty food meant to be consumed by drunk people. Face it, bars and pubs are and always have been a hotbed of vice. Get over it.

Lately, Axe bodyspray commercials have been getting stupider and stupider. The underlying premise of all of them is that if you use this stuff, women will hump you like cats in heat. Not only is this inaccurate, it's demeaning to women. I'm all for demeaning women, don't get me wrong, broads are fun to make fun of, but I can't help but wonder why feminists haven't been sicking their dogs on this one. It's quite baffling, really, they bitch about simple things like language (MANkind, MAN the lifeboats, etc etc.) but they ignore an entire class of commercials portraying them as mindless sex objects who fuck whoever smells good. Ah well. The latest abomination has to be the "BomChikaWaWaaa" commercials, that show a black dude wearing axe, and then a skinny black chick approaches him singing porno music with her mouth. It's not even mildly clever or funny.

Lastly, I can't go without mentioning all the 'awwww cute kid!' Commercials. The one for LIFE cereal really pisses me off, it has that stupid obnoxious little girl and her little brother, she constantly bugs and pesters him for some of his LIFE cereal, so he gives her an empty box, and she gets pissed off, and then mommy gives her a fresh box and she gets this obnoxious cocky triumphant look on her face. God I hate children. If I made the commercial, I would have had it end with her eating LIFE cereal only to discover its full of thumbtacks, broken glass, and pieces of jagged metal, on which point she bleeds to death through her mouth. Good riddance.

That about does it, stay tuned eager readers for MORE obnoxious rants from the kind of douchebaggery, and kindly go fuck yourselves.