Remember the days when all you could do with a cellphone is, say, call people? Those were simpler days, before cell phone companies decided it was necessary to tack on games, email, internet access, vibrators, and a handy little pair of tweezers to pick crabs out of your pubes. That was before FIDO, Razr, Motorola, and a host of other companies whose names I can't be fucked to remember thought "What a waste of potential, these little gadgets could be so much more annoying if we tried harder." Those were the days when a ringtone just sounded like a generic telephone sound, instead of horrible, choppy, tinny sounding tunes. My how things have changed.

As if watching some asshole yakking on a cellphone extra-loud to look important wasn't obnoxious enough, they've added a host of 'features', meant to keep idiotic teenagers and bored Execs alike clicking those stupid little buttons. I hate cellphones. I've never owned one, and though I might cave and get one for practical purposes, you can bet I won't be treating it like a fucking toy. Worse still are the billions of stupid ringtones you can download (for a buck fifty a pop), to make dinner, movie-watching, or simple conversation that much more awkward. Most of them barely sound like the song or tune they're meant to be. In fact most of them sound like fucking musical abortions. Sure they've invented a 'vibrate' feature to avoid this annoyance, but we all know how stupid people enjoy pissing others off.

Why do people always feel the need to talk extra-loud into their cellphones? IS it because of bad reception? Or is it just because they wanna show everyone what a bigshot they are? And since when did middle-schoolers need cellphones? What could a bunch of mindless 13 year olds really need to talk about that badly? 13 year old girls are stupid and have no real thoughts to share to begin with. As I've stated, cellphones have evolved beyond communication tools, to fucking toys, expensive toys for pompous bored assholes (or their stupid spoiled daughters) to play with. As if the world doesn't have enough annoying electronic beeps and sounds going on all day, we have to listen to this, on buses, in movie theaters, and anywhere else. It makes my fucking ears want to bleed.

Worse than the stupid assholes that play with cellphones all day, would have to be the accompanying commercials. Whether it's the 'HELLOMOTO' ads for Motorola, the stupid Fido ads (featuring ugly inbred shit eaters who resemble their dogs,) the ads with the stupid brightly colored animals, or the "CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?" abominations, cellphone ads are a particular pissoff. In fact, that's why I didn't cover them in my last piece, because these ads deserve a class of their own. (So do Diamond Commercials, but that's another story). Cellphone ads are rife with ambiguous metaphors, lame symbolism, and retarded looking people. A classic example is the Motorola ad where the guy (apparently he's french, judging by accent. How fucking fitting) picks up a cellphone he finds on the sidewalk, and clicks a few buttons, causing trees and grass to grow. Apparently, God uses a cellphone. Cue the shot of heaven, and we find out not only does God use a cellphone, but he's ACTUALLY a frizzy-haired chick who always leaves it in random places. I don't know what kind of message they're trying to send, but it makes my colon want to bleed. Perhaps they're trying to appeal to a feminazi crowd? As always, I leave you, the faithful readers, to judge.

I could go on, but I've made my point. If you use your cellphone for anything other than phonecalls, then its pretty safe to say your parents should have either A) Worn a Condom, B) had an abortion, or C) Tried anal instead.

Now switch on that 'vibrating' function, slather yourself in pig grease, shove that fucking cellphone up your ass, and masturbate to the rhythm, you fucking cunts.