How to treat a girl on the first date.

Why do people always act on their best behavior on dates? If you're dating in order to get married which I don't know why you would, wouldn't you want her to get to know the REAL you? Once you sign the papers, the broadway show comes to an end and she's stuck with an asshole (you). Then you have to drag your ass to court to file divorce papers when you could have been watching a porno instead. Save yourself a trip. Here's advice on how to act like an asshole on your first date. Girls like honesty, so it's important to really be yourself.

When you get to the restaurant, get a ticket for your coat only. She's used to doing laundry so she won't mind taking her own coat. If she does, the dates over. When you order food, make sure to address the waiter by dipshit only. Girls appreciate a good sense of humor, I think.

While drinking your soda, never be afraid to burp aloud. What the fuck is so offensive about burping? Don't like being human? Then fuck off. It's the only alternative to pulling my ass out in the restaurant and shitting all over the table. If she expects you to hold your burps in, you ain't marrying her. What happens when gas is held together and then ignited? It explodes. Holding in a burp is igniting that fire. If you don't exhale fast, your ass will rupture instead along with half your insides. And so will her's after you're done with her. Is all that worth a girl? Didn't think so. It goes without saying that she foots the bill. After all, time is money and you just shat money by wasting over an hour on her, the least she could do is pay for it.

If she's an only child, her parents are worried by now. Time to take the shit home. That's not terrible, as long as your car has a CD player with plenty of heavy metal to go along with it to drown her out. If she needs anything, give her a doggy bone, or a dildo. It keeps the hands busy as well as her mouth closed. NEVER walk her to the door because that implies you want to come in, and you don't. Also, walking her to the door signifies that you're not lazy, and nobody likes giving false impressions. Just stay in the car.

When you finally get home (long after you've vomitted), give her a call. Make sure to call collect so you don't use any of your free night minutes on her. Tell her you had a horrible time, but you're still willing to go out with her again as long as she pays again. You're not using her, you're just appreciating her in a low manner. Do I have to lay all this shit out for you? To me it was common knowledge. But at least now you're a dating professional. Follow my advice and score big.


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