I got my girlfriend the best gift ever.
Instead of being like every other
asshole on the planet and giving a wimpy card or a giftcard to a store she will
never visit, I give her real shit. It's not shit she could really use, but it
represents something big. For instance, on her birthday I gave her the piece
from my umbillical cord. It didn't preserve too well, but it got the job done.
It was old, gooey, and moldy and probably carries every disease on the list. I
should warn her. On second thought, maybe not. Why the umbillical cord? Becuase that's a piece of the thing that kept me alive when I was helpless and
unaborted. It's the very essence of my manliness and it's something she could
appreciate. I always give her gifts like this. One year an arm, a leg, a liver,
toes, etc. It makes a cool shelf, and if anyone asks, they are pieces from
people whose ass was kicked by her boyfriend.
Of course I expect something in return from her. But Thilo is right once again, it's all in vain. Not even the 10 second orgasm. I gave her 3 different chances for her to show some gratitude, but she didn't get the hint.
This is how we broke up: On Valentines day (which I never celebrate), I sent her a WhoreMark card saying "I love her" all over the front. Inside the card it said "But you really gotta use some VagiClean, I fear getting hepatitis." Added there was a picture of a skull and Crossbones next to a photo of my penis. I quickly changed my cell phone number so she couldn't call to compliment me on the card. It all went uphill from there, and now I'm single again. I bet she never went out with someone again as cool as me...I rule.
Back to how much I rule...