A guide to married life for dipshits.
Hopefully I will catch the
younger audience that can still listen to the advice and avoid a shitty
life. If I'm too late, read this anyway and sob in pain while you read about
how right I am and how stupid you were by signing those stupid papers.
Ok people. I'll start with this. There are 2 reasons a person gets married. 1) They're stupid from birth and believe marriage is pursuing happiness. This category is usually the people that learn the fastest about their mistake. 2) Pier Pressure. They can't stand the constant nagging of friends and family to tie the damn knot so they just do it to shut everyone up. They already know the mistake but do it anyway. That's worse than doing it on purpose. Those people have no respect from me. Here's how to survive married life and live beyond the age of 30. I'm doing you a favor by posting this because you don't really deserve it. The best possible advice is to get divorced. If that won't work, keep reading.
Rule 1: She must, and WILL WORK FULL TIME. If she can't do it, sell her. Once you marry her, she's obligated to do her part and support the household. Hopefully, that won't exceed 2 people. If it does, fuck you. Women want to be equal all the time, this means they will work like a MAN. You can't be equal and inferior at the same time. That takes your whole argument and shoves it up a horse's ass. Don't make me prove you a hypocrite. GO TO WORK, BITCH.
Rule 2: She does ALL the shopping. Shopping is for women Can you imagine the humiliation it is for a man to push a cart through the aisle and sort through cucumbers and tomatoes? Any man attempting this should at least get a good disguise. What a faggot thing to do. Since the majority of all men are pussy push-overs, you're definitely going to end up doing the shopping anyway. So here's a way to get out of it. Every time you go, get a wrong order. Get the wrong kind of beans and wound your wife up a good night on the crapper. Buy salmon instead of carp. Buy cow testicles instead of chicken. Whatever. The best that could happen is you'll be holding divorce papers, the worst that could happen is she does the shopping from now on.
Rule 3: She does all house cleaning. This includes all children in their parent's houses as well. They have us, they sustain us. I wasn't born to be their shitty slave. Buy your wife an ugly apron, a rag, and some detergent and send her scrubbin'. Woops, I apologize. Knowing you, it's the other way around. What pussies. Cleaning isn't manly. You'll get your suit dirty and your expensive work shoes. Anyone seeing you mop the floor will think you sold your balls...well you did, but that was at the wedding.
Rule 4: Ignore the first 3 rules and get the hint that she does all the dirty shit while you do whatever the fuck you want trying to forget that you're married. This means playing video games, watching TV, using Optimum Online, screwing hookers, and gambling away your weekends. Basically all the things you did before marriage, but now it's after. The only thing that's supposed to change is HER. I just saved your life.
Back to how much I rule...