Being a lazy bastard builds character.

Sometimes I think I'm the laziest son of a bitch on the planet. I can't fucking move. If I'm sitting down, I can't even lift my hands to get my drink. Here's some instances that happened to show how lazy I really am. Learn from it.

One time I was laying on my bed doing nothing. Just when I was about to start stroking it, the mother walks in. She wanted me to do the damn dishes again. I sure as hell wasn't going to do it, so I rolled over and fell off the top bunk and hit the floor on my head. I faked a goddamn concussion and woke up in the hospital feeling refreshed, but still lazy. She never asked me to do it again for fear I'd get a hernia.

Another time I had to make it to the city for some dumb meeting. I don't have a car because insurance prices could pay for college and a home, with some leftover as a pension. So I either end up getting around in a wheelbarrow, or I end up getting humped to hell on public shitty transportation. Anyway as I was walking to the bus stop, I saw a bus pull in. With the few last ounces of strength I had left from my morning sugar cereal, I ran for it. As soon as I got 5 inches from the bus doors, my lungs gave out and I collapsed on the sidewalk. The bus driver smiled and said have a nice day, and pulled away. I couldn't get up without lungs, so I spent the night on a Brooklyn sidewalk in my best suit. I couldn't move my lazy heap of an ass. It was fun having dogs shit all over you and busses beep at you while you sleep at the stop pretending you can't hear.

This is what a spectator witnessed seeing me watch TV on a regular day. I start off sitting in a regular position. After 3 sandwiches that I obviously didn't make for myself, I fall to the side. After 8 bags of chips, I fall off the couch. At that point a shitty TV show usually comes on and I frantically search for the remote to change the channel. I see it on the other side of the room, but I can't get it. I grab broom sticks and baseball bats trying to fish it over to me. Eventually I get pissed off and knock myself out so I don't have to bear the torture anymore. But not before knocking someone else out first. Laziness rules.

Come on people. Did not being a lethargic piece of shit ever do anything for you? I'm answering the questions for you, NO. I missed about 90 school days back in the day just because I couldn't find the energy to lift my legs into the pant holes. My mom made me go in my underwear once and I was surprised I managed to get that on. I failed so many tests that day, but that was because I didn't bother taking them since all the girls couldn't keep off UnderWear boy. It's not everyday you get show-and-tell like that. Be lazy.


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