Pre-marital sex implies there's going to be marriage afterwards...not what I had in mind.

Don't you just hate it when teenage experts and other people who pretend to give a damn about the use of our young genitals start speeching you on the importance of "saving it for marriage" and other worthless crap about "pre-marital" sex? I know I do. I can still remember those insipid speeches starting from when I was 8 years old. The mother walks in and sees me surrounded by pornos with my pants hanging down and my hands where they shouldn't be. She sits down and starts saying how it's about time I started this shit and I developed too late. Just kidding, she said I should quit wanking and come to dinner. Then she said girls aren't worth it. I have the best mom, she even degrades herself. Shit, I wish.

The people who created the notorious phrase pre-marital-sex didn't have enough consideracy to think about people like me who don't have those negative after effects. Some people just wanna fuck...

One time I was with this chick and I was one base away from hitting my grand slam. She stopped me and said "I don't do that". I looked at her and said "But I do.", and proceeded to do what I had initially planned which was a series of erotic and sexually satisfying adventures. I may have pissed her off but I never saw anyone act querulous when they get a free orgasm. She thanked me afterwards but I'm not sure I heard her over the muffled sounds of jizzed mouth. There's a career she didn't find on CareerBuilder.

What's with that stupid phrase of saving it for marriage anyway? Even if I did lose my nuts and sold out for that financially raping prison, why the hell must my first time be after the misdeed? How about before? You'd probably get your ass laughed at like hell for still being a virgin for that long. You've wasted your prime nuts years already. It's not like that jizz went anywhere useful anyway. It could have been in someone's pussy, but I guess you just didn't figure that out till it was spelled out for you in the form of a marriage license. You don't deserve to get laid.

I once crashed a wedding and told them to stop before it was too late. They sent everyone home and got a refund for the wedding hall. Then they went home and got laid anyway. They sent me a thank-you note saying that with the money they saved from the wedding, they now have enough money to live on together for many years, unmarried. That's like growing a 3rd nut. I'm sure that honeymoon was very meaningful, and sexual. See? People love me. So the next time you have that itch in your pants to get married, get laid. It's the main thing you plan on getting married for anyway, and once you're done getting some, you won't have the desire to get married anymore. Damn, I'm gonna be richer than Bill Gates. By next year I don't want to see the word "alimony" in the dictionary. Instead I want abortion to be the first A word in the index.

Pre-This!


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