Classic tales of monkey spanking:

No one needs me to explain to them that jerking off is one of the greatest pleasures to exist. It's always there when you need it, and it never refuses to stroke your penis because it had a bad day. It doesn't get angry at you and close it's legs the way some women are capable of doing. Sex is a dangerous weapon in marriage and those bitches know it. What they don't always know is that we have a perfectly good substitute for their lubricated jellyhole and that's my hand. That blessed hand is responsible for at least 2 trillion dead tadpoles on a daily basis. Why is it so awesome? Is it that mischevous grin that attacks your face as your urethra is about to sprout penis soup? Or is it the thought that another batch isn't going to be born? I choose the latter. And by latter I mean both.

Part of the reason jerking off is so convenient is because it can be done hiddenly, and even not hiddenly. Sometimes I'm just sitting in class and cleavage surrounds me like a tornado of lust and I can't just sit there without killing a few children. I need to act fast or I'll lose the moment and go home with rashy testicles. So I start humping something. Nothing too sinister, just a little rising motion to get your rifle in business. On a side note, desks are cool because they cover the crotch area. Now all you have to do is move back and forth and before you know it, class isn't so boring anymore. You're suddenly very happy to be there. Maybe too happy. The teacher might even think you're interested in the lesson, but you know better. You're having your own lesson, it just happens to be with your penis. Anyway, after you've splooched your jeans a new color, you need to go to the bathroom and clean up. Any man reading this will know that if you don't clean up within 5 minutes of the spill, your launcher will stick to your underwear making a velcro reaction the next time you get undressed. If you have pubes, this hurts like a bitch.

Some people get embarrassed when others notice them jerking off. I don't know why. Man needs to rub those frogs out and we're not about to let some other bastard ruin it for us. I just continue until they either walk away or come closer. If they choose to come closer, it's at their own expense of actually choosing to see another man's gooch.

"EEWWW GROSS!!!!" Sound familiar? This is the common women reaction upon hearing of a man doing his sexual business. Don't let it discourage you from doing it again. If the remarks start to bug you, remind her that you're not the one with a salmon factory between your legs. I mean not to diss protein or anything, but some chicks really need to shut it. I'm not sure where I'm going with all this. Wacking your bag is just great. You don't even need to mark you calendar, just run you horny son of a bitch. You can imagine where I'm going right after this. I can't finish....


Back to how much I rule...