An idea for how to improve tech support.
up tech-support for one simple reason? Shit don't work, and
you want a new one? Why is it that you have to go through
nearly an hour of stupid advertisements to finally reach an
"engineer" who, guess what, doesn't speak English, as well
as doesn't know what the hell he's talking about? Worse yet,
why can't this person just ADMIT to you that he doesn't know
what's flying (or that he doesn't speak your foreign
language), and just grant you your wish, a return
authorization number? Why must you be torturously asked
thousands of stupid questions, like "Did you ever put your
fingerprints on the lens?" (when you are calling up about
your broken refrigerator), or "Did you purposely inflict any
damage upon the product ?" (I really got asked this one
once. It would take one hell of a blonde to say "yes"?)
Because of all the time that's wasted by "representatives"
not knowing what they're talking about, I think that
companies should start offering a guarantee. The
"don't-know-what-the-fuck-I'm-talking-about" guarantee. If
the "representative" doesn't know what he's talking about
(this can be discovered easily by having the customer ask
him five or six questions about the product), the customer
should get an automatic return authorization (no more
questions asked), as well as paid-for return shipping, and
50% off of their next purchase. However, if the
"representative" does know what he's talking about, then the
customer "loses" and has to wait there, listening to all the
stupid questions, and repeating the word "no" into the phone
receiver (about) every fifteen seconds until he is granted
what he wants. I think that if companies followed this
policy, there wouldn't be a need for as many "technicians",
as the average phone conversation would probably only last
about 45-60 seconds (and end with the customer's
satisfaction). After considering this idea, I decided to
write a mathematical formula for myself, as well as for all
of you, to better display this concept, as well as all of
it's positive outcomes:
40 minutes per person for
tech support * $2 pay an hour = Average customer costing the
company about $1.33 for tech support.
If you just gave the
customer what he wanted in the FIRST PLACE, we can optimize
this equation so:
2 minutes per person for tech
support * $2 pay an hour = Average customer costing the
company about 6 cents for tech support.
With the recent increase
in funds, guess what? You no longer have to hire Indians to
do your tech support! :
2 minutes per person for tech
support * $20 pay an hour = Average customer costing the
company about 60 cents for tech support.
With the extra 73 cents
that you now make per customer, you can now afford to have
the toilet paper rolls in your office's bathroom, refilled
twice as often.
Your customers are happier because
they no longer have to spend 40 minutes on the phone getting
a stupid authorization number.
The American people are happier because you are no longer
hiring slaves from India to do your work.
(Therefore), your company earns a better reputation in the
Your customers' spouses are happier because your customer
just saved 38 minutes of wear and tear on his/her tongue.
And last, but not least, your employees are happier because
they now have something to wipe their asses with when they
go to the bathroom.