An idea for how to improve tech support.
7/18/04

    Ever call up tech-support for one simple reason? Shit don't work, and you want a new one? Why is it that you have to go through nearly an hour of stupid advertisements to finally reach an "engineer" who, guess what, doesn't speak English, as well as doesn't know what the hell he's talking about? Worse yet, why can't this person just ADMIT to you that he doesn't know what's flying (or that he doesn't speak your foreign language), and just grant you your wish, a return authorization number? Why must you be torturously asked thousands of stupid questions, like "Did you ever put your fingerprints on the lens?" (when you are calling up about your broken refrigerator), or "Did you purposely inflict any damage upon the product ?" (I really got asked this one once. It would take one hell of a blonde to say "yes"?) Because of all the time that's wasted by "representatives" not knowing what they're talking about, I think that companies should start offering a guarantee. The "don't-know-what-the-fuck-I'm-talking-about" guarantee. If the "representative" doesn't know what he's talking about (this can be discovered easily by having the customer ask him five or six questions about the product), the customer should get an automatic return authorization (no more questions asked), as well as paid-for return shipping, and 50% off of their next purchase. However, if the "representative" does know what he's talking about, then the customer "loses" and has to wait there, listening to all the stupid questions, and repeating the word "no" into the phone receiver (about) every fifteen seconds until he is granted what he wants. I think that if companies followed this policy, there wouldn't be a need for as many "technicians", as the average phone conversation would probably only last about 45-60 seconds (and end with the customer's satisfaction). After considering this idea, I decided to write a mathematical formula for myself, as well as for all of you, to better display this concept, as well as all of it's positive outcomes:

 

40 minutes per person for tech support * $2 pay an hour = Average customer costing the company about $1.33 for tech support.

If you just gave the customer what he wanted in the FIRST PLACE, we can optimize this equation so:

2 minutes per person for tech support * $2 pay an hour = Average customer costing the company about 6 cents for tech support.

With the recent increase in funds, guess what? You no longer have to hire Indians to do your tech support! :

2 minutes per person for tech support * $20 pay an hour = Average customer costing the company about 60 cents for tech support.

With the extra 73 cents that you now make per customer, you can now afford to have the toilet paper rolls in your office's bathroom, refilled twice as often.

 

POSITIVE OUTCOMES:

Your customers are happier because they no longer have to spend 40 minutes on the phone getting a stupid authorization number.
The American people are happier because you are no longer hiring slaves from India to do your work.
(Therefore), your company earns a better reputation in the business world.
Your customers' spouses are happier because your customer just saved 38 minutes of wear and tear on his/her tongue.
And last, but not least, your employees are happier because they now have something to wipe their asses with when they go to the bathroom.