Yes. It actually can be cool to visit old grandma.
You know, grandmothers can be a real pain in the ass
sometimes. You gotta visit them, call them before Shabbat,
pretend like you actually care about their heart disease,
when all you could pray for is that they drop dead and their
inheritance magically jumps over one generation, over to
you.... But actually, they're pretty cool to have around,
and I've even come up with a couple of reasons why:
Sometimes it's fun to just smile and nod at someone, but
have absolutely no clue what the hell they're saying.
I'm serious. Try this, it really works. If you
anyways have to go visit your grandmother in the old
age home, give this a shot: Try having a conversation
with some of the old grannies there. I mean, you can
literally tell them that you had sex with their
granddaughter the night before, and they will just smile
at you and tell you what a great person you are for
coming by. Sometimes its fun to talk to somebody who is
happy with no matter what you say. You should try it once.
appreciate your own breasts a lot more after
paying a visit to old granny. Face it, many of us are
quite dissatisfied with what we've got over there. We
look at our friends, we look at magazines and TV, and
then we look at ourselves in the mirror and get all
depressed and start eating fat-free ice cream. There
unfortunately isn't much to be done about physically changing
them but there is something that can be done to help appreciate them
some more. Pay a visit to
old granny and your self-esteem will sky-rocket. Walking
out of her old age home, you will find that you've
learned to appreciate anything, as long as it's
higher than your knees ---- no matter how much better
you've seen elsewhere!
will make you feel MUCH better about your own
decaying mental condition. We've all got issues.
There's nothing to hide. We're all about to fall off the
dark side of the moon eventually. What better bliss is
there than to see someone whose fallen further than
ourselves? Someone who cannot tell night from day,
toilet from soup bowl, or Haman from Mordechai,
? It gives us hope. Maybe our eating disorder isn't that
bad, after all!
- Did you
ever hear someone say "I was this close to
winning a million dollars" after losing a lottery by
only a number or two? Well, if your granny's got some
cash saved up somewhere, you can truthfully say that you
were that close to a million dollars but chose to not
pull the plug. There. You even got a mitzvah... for
seeing the plug, thinking about it, but not pulling it.
Grandmothers are cool because you can try on their nerdy
glasses when they're not looking and be crazy
grandmother under the table for about three seconds
till your mom notices you and gives you a slap across
the face. At which point, grandma turns around...... It
was fun while it lasted, wasn't it?
you're planning on having a child one day, here's a good
place to start. You know how they've always got
those whacko moms up on TV who've done naughty things to
their kids because they weren't ready for it. You know,
their fifteen years old, minding their own personal
business when.....WHAM! This baby, out of the blue,
starts growing in their stomach. Well naturally, they
usually aren't prepared for such things and they do
various not nice things to their babies, like slam
toilet seat lids down on them (trying to kill them), try
to see how long they can go without eating, try to see
how many stories they can really fall without getting
too hurt, etc. As I see it, this is a very bad thing
that is happening in our world today and people should
be more prepared for having kids, because you know, it's
all up to Hashem, and god knows, maybe tomorrow there
can be one growing in your stomach. So starting
on your grandmother is a good enough place to start as
any. Give her the medication, the RIGHT medication,
twelve times a day, shove a pacifier in her mouth when
she starts complaining about the sexual content of
today's TV commercials, potty-train her, etc. You know,
when they get old enough, they're really nothing more than
babies with a huge attitude problem. So anyway, it's a
good place to start your parenting...
- I don't
suggest this one for home, but you can actually learn
about all the bad stuff that your daddy did, like smoke
pot, or take advantage of innocent girls, etc.
Grandmothers love to talk about how bad their little boy
was, and in the absence of their grip on reality, they
fail to notice that they are talking about someone who
now demands your respect.
It's fun! And
you can't say it's not till you've tried it!!!!
And the most
wicked thing of all is that despite all these horrible
intentions you may have when visiting them, they will still
be the utmost pleased to meet you. Even if you've just
seen them only five minutes ago!