Yes. It actually can be cool to visit old grandma.
9/20/04


     You know, grandmothers can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. You gotta visit them, call them before Shabbat, pretend like you actually care about their heart disease, when all you could pray for is that they drop dead and their inheritance magically jumps over one generation, over to you.... But actually, they're pretty cool to have around, and I've even come up with a couple of reasons why:

  • Sometimes it's fun to just smile and nod at someone, but have absolutely no clue what the hell they're saying. I'm serious. Try this, it really works. If you anyways have to go visit your grandmother in the old age home, give this a shot: Try having a conversation with some of the old grannies there. I mean, you can literally tell them that you had sex with their granddaughter the night before, and they will just smile at you and tell you what a great person you are for coming by. Sometimes its fun to talk to somebody who is happy with no matter what you say. You should try it once.
  • You'll appreciate your own breasts a lot more after paying a visit to old granny. Face it, many of us are quite dissatisfied with what we've got over there. We look at our friends, we look at magazines and TV, and then we look at ourselves in the mirror and get all depressed and start eating fat-free ice cream. There unfortunately isn't much to be done about physically changing them but there is something that can be done to help appreciate them some more. Pay a visit to old granny and your self-esteem will sky-rocket. Walking out of her old age home, you will find that you've learned to appreciate anything, as long as it's higher than your knees ---- no matter how much better you've seen elsewhere!
  • It will make you feel MUCH better about your own decaying mental condition. We've all got issues. There's nothing to hide. We're all about to fall off the dark side of the moon eventually. What better bliss is there than to see someone whose fallen further than ourselves? Someone who cannot tell night from day, toilet from soup bowl, or Haman from Mordechai, (for real) ? It gives us hope. Maybe our eating disorder isn't that bad, after all!
  • Did you ever hear someone say "I was this close to winning a million dollars" after losing a lottery by only a number or two? Well, if your granny's got some cash saved up somewhere, you can truthfully say that you were that close to a million dollars but chose to not pull the plug. There. You even got a mitzvah... for seeing the plug, thinking about it, but not pulling it.
  • Grandmothers are cool because you can try on their nerdy glasses when they're not looking and be crazy grandmother under the table for about three seconds till your mom notices you and gives you a slap across the face. At which point, grandma turns around...... It was fun while it lasted, wasn't it?
  • If you're planning on having a child one day, here's a good place to start. You know how they've always got those whacko moms up on TV who've done naughty things to their kids because they weren't ready for it. You know, their fifteen years old, minding their own personal business when.....WHAM! This baby, out of the blue, starts growing in their stomach. Well naturally, they usually aren't prepared for such things and they do various not nice things to their babies, like slam toilet seat lids down on them (trying to kill them), try to see how long they can go without eating, try to see how many stories they can really fall without getting too hurt, etc. As I see it, this is a very bad thing that is happening in our world today and people should be more prepared for having kids, because you know, it's all up to Hashem, and god knows, maybe tomorrow there can be one growing in your stomach. So starting on your grandmother is a good enough place to start as any. Give her the medication, the RIGHT medication, twelve times a day, shove a pacifier in her mouth when she starts complaining about the sexual content of today's TV commercials, potty-train her, etc. You know, when they get old enough, they're really nothing more than babies with a huge attitude problem. So anyway, it's a good place to start your parenting...
  • I don't suggest this one for home, but you can actually learn about all the bad stuff that your daddy did, like smoke pot, or take advantage of innocent girls, etc. Grandmothers love to talk about how bad their little boy was, and in the absence of their grip on reality, they fail to notice that they are talking about someone who now demands your respect.

It's fun! And you can't say it's not till you've tried it!!!!

And the most wicked thing of all is that despite all these horrible intentions you may have when visiting them, they will still be the utmost  pleased to meet you. Even if you've just seen them only five minutes ago!