Looking for a reason to go to shul? Me too.
Found one? Me neither.
I can't get up in the morning. But when I do, when I drag my
tired ass out of bed, try to be a good jew for just one day,
I always find that there's some dude standing next to me who
feels like it's his job to awaken the dead with his prayers.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not against going to shul in the
morning. I just haven't yet found one where there isn't at
least one asswipe there trying to make an impression out of
themselves by pissing off everyone else around them. So
here's a list of stuff I've come up with that piss me off.
If people stopped doing it, maybe I'd feel more inclined to
go to shul more often:
Got a lulav? So do I. And I haven't shoved mine up your
ass, so why do you feel like you have to put yours up mine?
Hey "Mr. Tzadickle who wants to be so careful that he
does all his mitzvos 100% correctly", did you realize that
by being so careful that you get every shake out of your
lulav, you're also going into the vicinity of someone else's
"Daled Amot"? I bet you didn't. It's probably also assur to
put things up other people's asses, though I'm having
trouble finding a "Braysa" that explicitly says so.
Just got married? Nobody cares. We still don't want
you shooting off your talit fringes into everyone's faces
when you put it on / take it off. If you need some practice,
try it at home. Put it on, take it off. Hell, you can do it
all night long. Do it while your wife is waiting for you in
bed. Maybe then there will be less damned species on this
earth. Everybody wins.
have a violent shaking problem? I know some people who
do. Like Ali. And this retarded kid who keeps escaping his
house and running around my neighborhood pissing off the
normal people. But they generally stay home, under special
supervision. They don't go to shul
and let their problems piss everyone else off.
forget to wipe your ass properly this morning? Now I
don't mean to "come down on you", and I totally respect the
fact that you are making a stand, for all the people who
don't wipe their asses properly in the morning and like to
stink. But just do me a favor and don't sit next to me.
problem with people who talk? Why don't you try
shutting the fuck up first? Nothing pisses me off
more than the guy who shushes you and then goes and talks
himself. Most people respond to these people by "nuu-ing"
them back, hoping they'll get the message. But let me tell
you something. They don't. If you think of it, someone who's
stupid enough to shush you and then go and talk themselves,
is probably also stupid enough to not get it if you told it
them flat out, either. So I don't "nu" them back. I just
turn at them and say really loudly, "hey asswipe, why don't
you try shutting the fuck up." For some reason this usually
works. You get a weird stare from them for about five
seconds, but it's all worth it because then you can talk all
you want and they don't say anything to you. It's pretty
daven out loud really slowly? I must say that I have the
utmost respect for you, but I will probably still kick your
ass. Respectfully, though. In front of your kids.
you're the kind of guy who stares at people who don't wear a
hat, and then wonder why they don't come to shul the next
I do too.