Looking for a reason to go to shul? Me too.
Found one? Me neither.
10/20/04

I can't get up in the morning. But when I do, when I drag my tired ass out of bed, try to be a good jew for just one day, I always find that there's some dude standing next to me who feels like it's his job to awaken the dead with his prayers. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not against going to shul in the morning. I just haven't yet found one where there isn't at least one asswipe there trying to make an impression out of themselves by pissing off everyone else around them. So here's a list of stuff I've come up with that piss me off. If people stopped doing it, maybe I'd feel more inclined to go to shul more often:

Got a lulav? So do I. And I haven't shoved mine up your ass, so why do you feel like you have to put yours up mine? Hey "Mr. Tzadickle who wants to be so careful that he does all his mitzvos 100% correctly", did you realize that by being so careful that you get every shake out of your lulav, you're also going into the vicinity of someone else's "Daled Amot"? I bet you didn't. It's probably also assur to put things up other people's asses, though I'm having trouble finding a "Braysa" that explicitly says so.

Just got married? Nobody cares. We still don't want you shooting off your talit fringes into everyone's faces when you put it on / take it off. If you need some practice, try it at home. Put it on, take it off. Hell, you can do it all night long. Do it while your wife is waiting for you in bed. Maybe then there will be less damned species on this earth. Everybody wins.

Do you have a violent shaking problem? I know some people who do. Like Ali. And this retarded kid who keeps escaping his house and running around my neighborhood pissing off the normal people. But they generally stay home, under special supervision. They don't go to shul and let their problems piss everyone else off.

Did you forget to wipe your ass properly this morning? Now I don't mean to "come down on you", and I totally respect the fact that you are making a stand, for all the people who don't wipe their asses properly in the morning and like to stink. But just do me a favor and don't sit next to me.

Got a problem with people who talk? Why don't you try shutting the fuck up first? Nothing pisses me off more than the guy who shushes you and then goes and talks himself. Most people respond to these people by "nuu-ing" them back, hoping they'll get the message. But let me tell you something. They don't. If you think of it, someone who's stupid enough to shush you and then go and talk themselves, is probably also stupid enough to not get it if you told it them flat out, either. So I don't "nu" them back. I just turn at them and say really loudly, "hey asswipe, why don't you try shutting the fuck up." For some reason this usually works. You get a weird stare from them for about five seconds, but it's all worth it because then you can talk all you want and they don't say anything to you. It's pretty much guaranteed.

Do you daven out loud really slowly? I must say that I have the utmost respect for you, but I will probably still kick your ass. Respectfully, though. In front of your kids.

...And if you're the kind of guy who stares at people who don't wear a hat, and then wonder why they don't come to shul the next week,

I do too.