Some actually new ideas for "Reality TV".
10/31/04 & 11/15/04

It seems that today, people enjoy watching nothing else but reality TV. Those good old days of Seinfeld and The Simpsons are over. Now we just want to see girls getting conned into marriages where they think they're marrying the guy for money, but are actually marrying him for his excellent personality (disappointing, isn't it?). Being that I may want to run some TV shows one day, I've considered this change and abandoned all my ideas for TV shows involving psychotic robots who eat people alive and ninjas who fight bulls their bloody death. Instead I will direct some Reality TV shows. It's crappy, but it's what people want. I guess they've forgotten how to laugh. Whatever.

So here are some of my ideas. You're welcome to hate them.


"The Prostitute"
On this show, a bunch of guys compete to marry this saint. What they don't know is that she is actually a prostitute who's got every known STD in the books. The viewers watch as the contestants prove themselves to be excellent models, giving up everything they have just to be able to marry this "saint". The one who is the best: the nicest, kindest, most charitable, gets to marry the girl and spend the lovely wedding night with her. They then wake up the next morning with HIV. The remainder of the show focuses on the poor soul dying away in a hospital bed. The highlight of the show is when they break it to him that the girl was actually a prostitute and had all these diseases. "Ha Ha. You were fooled." they tell him.

"The Carnivores"
The plot to this show is simple. A bunch of men are locked in a room without food and drink for 30 days. And the feasting begins! The last remaining survivor wins $10,000.

"Countdown To Suicide"
On this show, 10 contestants are set up. The best part about it is that they don't even know they're set up, or even on a show at all for that matter. Everyone around them starts being extremely obnoxious to them, intentionally making their life miserable. Their boyfriends and girlfriends all dump them in the most cold-blooded way and then keep calling them, just to torture them even more. The viewers watch excitedly as all the contestants get fired from their jobs, one by one, and then each begin visiting psychologists. The show covers all the "private" conversations had among these contestants and their doctors. Finally, the highlight of the show covers the actual suicide scene where you see the poor tortured soul (if it's a girl: preparing the Tylenol, if it's a guy, preparing the noose), which is about the time that everyone jumps out from their hiding places and screams "Surprise, it was all just a joke! Here's a million bucks!" --It'll even be enough to keep them away from the lawyers...


This one I especially like because of the quickness of it. That's right each series has only about two or three episodes to it, so people don't have to run home early from work in order to "find out what happens", every night, consecutively, for four months. This one comes and goes really quick. So anyway, here's the outline: A bunch of 12-year old kids move in with each other into a huge beautiful hotel, and are told that they will win $100,000,000 if they survive. They then each form alliances with each other (or make enemies with each other). Together they plot against each other, thinking of evil and painful ways to kill each other, like poisoning each other's food, accidentally starting the meat grinding machine with someone's arm in it, etc.. The highlight of the show is when best friends have to kill each other just in order to stay in the game (yeah, it includes all the emotional crap....yay). The show finally ends when there are a bunch of dead bodies, and one guy who's still alive (with a puddle of blood around him, of course). What I like so much about this show is that parents can "off their bad kid" if they don't want him anymore, or win a million bucks, in which case they'll accept the damn kid back. But actually, the best of all is that innocent little12-year old kids die. Who can't love that???

"Final Lap"
---It's Olympics.....but with a TWIST!!!!!!
For this show, they gather the best swimmers from around the world to compete for (yeah, a million bucks). All they have to do is be the first to swim ten laps in a pool filled with sharks. If no one makes it, the pot doubles for the next group of swimmers. It's like the lottery!!!

"A Walk through Bed-Stuy"

On this show, a bunch of brave white people compete for the last standing man. They all have to walk together, in a group, through Bed-Stuy, back and forth, until there is only one of them left. The last one has to escape before being shot and he is awarded ten bucks.


I bite...