Different types of loser jews.
05/22/05

There are lots of types of loser jews, and living among them, I know about a lot of them. Here are just a few:

Tzitzis out / jeans:
Okay, these people just totally suck. Picture this: "Yitzy" comes back from Israel and he has "seen the light". "The light" involves being a selfish self-centered bastard who doesn't even do his part for God and put on tefilin in the morning, let alone be nice to others, but it does involve wearing jeans and keeping his tzitzis out, which of course, he does put on in the morning. "The light" is actually a garbage term that some Rabbis made up to get their kids to start looking into the gemara during class and pull their hands off their schmekel, but some guys went to israel and claimed to actually "find" this light. I of course, know that's all bullshit because one time I got a Rabbi to admit to me that the whole "light" thing was a made up term to get kids to stop peckering themsleves during class. There. It's "codependent garbage that doesn't actually exist." (Thilo!)

Hippies wearing the "Chevron" T-Shirt:
Fakers, these people are not, but they still make me sick. These people are just plain weird. You find these types of guys at "Blue Fringe" or "Moshav" concerts; basically, any band that promotes Israel. They usually have long hair, untrimmed beards, etc, etc. We call them hippies. They're also usually very friendly, like if you bump into them in the street, they'll almost for-sure invite you over for a meal, but you'll probably turn them down for fear that you'll find a piece of beard in your soup. (Sadly, it's not just me. Everybody thinks this but doesn't want to admit it). Anyway, these people aren't jackasses in the slightest bit. They're just weird and they freak me out.

The outside-Subsational type:
These are the kind of people who call their friends up at about 10:00 at night and say "Yo what's up, wanna pimp out outside Subsational?" That's right, they "pimp out" outside a fast-food restaurant. Talk about low. Any time I go in there to pick up some food, I have to first "push" these people out of the way so I can get to the door. They stand outside for endless hours talking on their cellphones to their friends who are standing five feet away from them (doing the same thing). I laugh at these people.

The "Natanya Pizza" type:
These guys are very much like the "outside-Subsational type", but I have a little bit more respect for these people because they actually are thugs, or know thugs, and if you talk shit about the pair of sneakers they're wearing, or the wireless carrier they're on, they will get a hit on you. Pathetic, yes, but they are somewhat respectable peopel.

The confused type:
I feel bad for these kids because they are confused, but that's not going to stop me from talking shit about them. These kids typically spend their entire day in Yeshiva, or working at a "Matzah Factory" or in any other way, spending their entire day around religious Jews. Problem is, they aren't religious. But they suck so much that they always turn to Jews for employment. I really feel bad for these kids because they probably hate their entire day, being around those annoying Jews and all, who they want to be no part of, but they don't have the balls to leave. These kids ALWAYS live at home, wear a "hat" on Shabbos, sing "zemiros" with their family of 30 little "kinderlach", and then put on the radio for a half hour on Friday night -- their one time a week of redemption. That's right, while their parents are chaining each other up and fucking each other doggy style, AND getting a mitzvah for it, they're listening to some talk show on the radio which they're not even interested in, just to prove a point to nobody.

The "I play guitar" type:
This is your typical kid who's in high school but isn't your typical "Yeshiva high-school kid". Basically, he's typical. He plays the guitar. Upon meeting a new person, these are his first questions: "Hi, what's your name", "Do you play guitar?", and "What songs can you play?" These kids are so arghhh, stupid. They still don't realize that its not about "how many other people's songs can they make a sad attempt of playing", but its about "how good they are", which they never are. These kids usually realize that they suck at guitar when they turn about 18 or so and then go on spending the rest of their free time "pimpin' out outside Subsational", something which they learn they can do quite well.

The "don't wear deodorant" type:
Contrary to what many gentiles believe, only about 50% of Jews don't put on deodorant. The other 50% of Jews do. But the ones that don't really suck, and ruin it for the ones who do. You see, the problem is that anything gentiles hear about Jews they blow way out of proportion. Like, if they hear that a Jew adopted a five year old girl, and was schlongating her, they'll be like "OH MY GOD. ALL JEWS ARE SICK PEDOPHILIC / SCHLONG-STUFFING-INTO-INNONCENT-FIVE-YEAR-OLD-GIRLS PERVERTS!" But of course, that's not true. It's just one Jew who likes fucking five year old girls, but they blow things out of proportion... So anyway about 50% of Jews don't wear deodorant and then come on the Subway and smell it up, and the other 50% of Jews think it's the homeless people, which of course is rubbish because the government provides free Axe for homeless people. I don't know what I was trying to say but basically it was something like this: The Jews who don't put on deodorant really fuck it up for the ones who do because now all Jews are assumed to be "smelly, non-deodorant-wearing Jews".

...And then there are some really cool Jews, like this chassidic guy I know who always goes to shul on time, sings out loud during davening, and then goes home and fucks his hooker, who was waiting in his apartment for him to come home from shul. But you people aren't gonna understand, so I'm just going to quit it right here with the "loser Jews", something I think your pathetic minds should be able to understand..

(Thilo!): This dude makes a totally awesome ranting site. I copied one of his awesome expressions. Anyway, you can find his site at www.ninjapirate.com