Why do grown men always cry under the chuppah?
The other day I was on the train home from work and I saw
this really really hot chick with an iPod and I was trying
to figure out whether it was her, or the iPod that I wanted
to score with. Anyway...
Do you ever wonder why by every Jewish wedding, the groom is
always crying under the "chuppah" (altar)? I know I do. I
see these big tough-ass macho guys bawling away and if it
were any other time I'd be calling them a pussy but this
time I just let it slide; but yes, I always wonder why it is
that they are crying. They're about to score. Let's assume
they are good religious Jewish (virgins), because of course,
a good Jew would would still have his cherry by his wedding;
so he's about to get lucky for his first time and he's
standing there by the chuppah crying his brains out. All he
has to do is shut up for another couple of hours of
ceremony, go home, and fuck. So what's he crying about?
Although I don't know because I've never been married (no
guys, that little incident that happened two years ago
doesn't count), I think I still might have some guesses as
to why it is the guy's always crying by the wedding, and
maybe you guys aren't as smart as me so I'll share my
Well......Maybe some of them are so confused about the whole sex thing that
they think that it is them who is getting fucked, that is,
until they go home and find out that their wife has a pussy,
they have a dick, and the ass-hole is just a bonus that isn't actually used
in intercourse. I mean after what their rabbis had
done to them in Yeshiva, who knows what they think sex must
be like. And I could totally understand the guy crying when
he's picturing going home and having a 4-inch wide pecker
jammed up his ass. I mean, really, some people are fucking
naive. My friend even told me that this guy was engaged and
this Rabbi was going over the marriage/sex laws with him and
he was like "MY PARENTS DID THAT???????" So yeah, it's
understandable how guys can think that they might be going
home to something being shoved up their ass.
I think that's probably the best answer but I have some
others. Maybe they're up there by the altar when one of
their friends from the crowd does something to awake them,
like sun then, or even make a funny face and it just makes
them realize how they are about to be fucked. I mean, in the
other sense; you know, fucked in the sense like not
being able to fuck around with friends because you are too
busy trying to fuck your wife, change diapers, and
wash dishes all at the same time. That kind of fucked.
Or maybe the music gets to them. Like I know myself, for
example. I never cry. I mean you can go and take a toy that
I want really badly and wave it over my head and every time
I try to grab it you yank it back...and I won't cry. But
then I hear some emotional music and like bam! I'm crying. I
don't even know why, but I'm just crying and I can't stop.
So like maybe if they played happier music by the chuppa,
like the Beatles or something, you know, less guys would cry
at their own weddings.
When a guy cries at his own wedding, I thinks its like he
soils himself, you know, like he's outside waiting for the
bus in the freezing cold and then all of a sudden he just
shits himself. And then he's gotta try to sneak on the bus
without anyone noticing the brown gook oozing out of the
bottom of his pants... Anyway, that's what it's like to
start bawling out at your own wedding in front of everybody.
I don't know what this has to do with anything, but I just
wanted to share that.
I mean I really don't know why guys are always fuckin crying
at their weddings. I'm just watching them and I'm like "Dude
you're gonna lose your cherry.....again, tonight. Why are
you crying?" Maybe its tears of happiness, but quite
frankly, I don't believe in that whole happy crying
bullshit. Seriously, why the hell would someone be crying if
they were happy, anyway? I mean, I didn't cry when I got my
PSP, why should he be crying when he's about to get some
I know, I know. He's afraid about what's going to happen
after he gets laid. But seriously, if it's worth crying
over, then why is he getting married? Why not just get a
one-nighter, or you know, the all-kosher way, a one-nighter
and then a divorce the next morning (that way, you don't
piss God off). You know, it works for me all the time....
seriously guys, stop thinking about that thing that happened
two years ago, it really doesn't count.)
I said stop....
Okay I better sober up I got a fuckin interview tomorrow.
UPDATE (7/19/2005): Okay guys, just to clarify a
point here. I was just kidding about that "raped up the ass
by Rabbis" thing. I've never (nor do I know anyone who has)
been raped up the ass by a rabbi at any time; neither by the
rabbi, nor by various objects extending from the rabbi's
hands. In fact, rabbis can occasionally be nice people.