Why do grown men always cry under the chuppah?
07/18/05
 

     The other day I was on the train home from work and I saw this really really hot chick with an iPod and I was trying to figure out whether it was her, or the iPod that I wanted to score with. Anyway...

     Do you ever wonder why by every Jewish wedding, the groom is always crying under the "chuppah" (altar)? I know I do. I see these big tough-ass macho guys bawling away and if it were any other time I'd be calling them a pussy but this time I just let it slide; but yes, I always wonder why it is that they are crying. They're about to score. Let's assume they are good religious Jewish (virgins), because of course, a good Jew would would still have his cherry by his wedding; so he's about to get lucky for his first time and he's standing there by the chuppah crying his brains out. All he has to do is shut up for another couple of hours of ceremony, go home, and fuck. So what's he crying about?

     Although I don't know because I've never been married (no guys, that little incident that happened two years ago doesn't count), I think I still might have some guesses as to why it is the guy's always crying by the wedding, and maybe you guys aren't as smart as me so I'll share my guesses...

     Well......Maybe some of them are so confused about the whole sex thing that they think that it is them who is getting fucked, that is, until they go home and find out that their wife has a pussy, they have a dick, and the ass-hole is just a bonus that isn't actually used in intercourse. I mean after what their rabbis had done to them in Yeshiva, who knows what they think sex must be like. And I could totally understand the guy crying when he's picturing going home and having a 4-inch wide pecker jammed up his ass. I mean, really, some people are fucking naive. My friend even told me that this guy was engaged and this Rabbi was going over the marriage/sex laws with him and he was like "MY PARENTS DID THAT???????" So yeah, it's understandable how guys can think that they might be going home to something being shoved up their ass.

     I think that's probably the best answer but I have some others. Maybe they're up there by the altar when one of their friends from the crowd does something to awake them, like sun then, or even make a funny face and it just makes them realize how they are about to be fucked. I mean, in the other sense; you know, fucked in the sense like not being able to fuck around with friends because you are too busy trying to fuck your wife, change diapers, and wash dishes all at the same time. That kind of fucked.

     Or maybe the music gets to them. Like I know myself, for example. I never cry. I mean you can go and take a toy that I want really badly and wave it over my head and every time I try to grab it you yank it back...and I won't cry. But then I hear some emotional music and like bam! I'm crying. I don't even know why, but I'm just crying and I can't stop. So like maybe if they played happier music by the chuppa, like the Beatles or something, you know, less guys would cry at their own weddings.

     When a guy cries at his own wedding, I thinks its like he soils himself, you know, like he's outside waiting for the bus in the freezing cold and then all of a sudden he just shits himself. And then he's gotta try to sneak on the bus without anyone noticing the brown gook oozing out of the bottom of his pants... Anyway, that's what it's like to start bawling out at your own wedding in front of everybody. I don't know what this has to do with anything, but I just wanted to share that.

     I mean I really don't know why guys are always fuckin crying at their weddings. I'm just watching them and I'm like "Dude you're gonna lose your cherry.....again, tonight. Why are you crying?" Maybe its tears of happiness, but quite frankly, I don't believe in that whole happy crying bullshit. Seriously, why the hell would someone be crying if they were happy, anyway? I mean, I didn't cry when I got my PSP, why should he be crying when he's about to get some pussy?

     I know, I know. He's afraid about what's going to happen after he gets laid. But seriously, if it's worth crying over, then why is he getting married? Why not just get a one-nighter, or you know, the all-kosher way, a one-nighter and then a divorce the next morning (that way, you don't piss God off). You know, it works for me all the time....
(okay, seriously guys, stop thinking about that thing that happened two years ago, it really doesn't count.)

I said stop....

     Okay I better sober up I got a fuckin interview tomorrow.

UPDATE (7/19/2005): Okay guys, just to clarify a point here. I was just kidding about that "raped up the ass by Rabbis" thing. I've never (nor do I know anyone who has) been raped up the ass by a rabbi at any time; neither by the rabbi, nor by various objects extending from the rabbi's hands. In fact, rabbis can occasionally be nice people.