My favorite website crashed and lost its database...does anybody give a shit?
2/19/06
 

     In case you haven't heard, my favorite website, OnlySimchas.com crashed last week and lost a week's worth of its database. But you probably did hear, because everyone's been talking about it, almost as much as they were talking about 9/11 when that happened. Now personally, I don't give a crap and here's five reasons why:

1) The site sucks
2) The site sucks
3) The site sucks
4) The site sucks
5) The site sucks

In case that was too difficult for you to understand, let me explain it in more difficult terms and maybe you'll understand that. This site is designed for people to be able to create a "simcha" for their friend, when something really nice happens to them like they get engaged, married, or have a baby, and then visitors can view the "simcha" page, and post things to the listing such as "OMFG SO SURPRISED!!! LOL!!!" or, "ya totally freakin'' I so totally did not expect that!", or other useless crap that nobody will ever want to read, not even the people who had the "simcha" befall them. Basically, this site is like "myspace" but a shittier version of that, if you can imagine such a thing...

You see, at least on myspace, you can post pornographic images on your profile, and it'll take like two whole weeks before the admins notice it and take it down. On onlysimchas you'll be surprised to get like 20 minutes on it. Myspace lets you post music on your profile, and if it's illegal, they'll eventually find it and take it off your site (unless of course, you rename it to something inconspicuous..), but on OnlySimchas, you don't even have the ability to post music at all! Dammit, what kind of guestbook website doesn't let you post music on your profile??

Anyways, I was just thinking that the loss of a week's worth of data isn't really that important and anyways, the data could be regenerated if you just took a bunch of popular Jewish names like "Moishe, Chaim, Yossi, Dovi, Sholom, Shani, Devora, Tzippy, Esti, whatever", and then stuck it together with a bunch of popular Jewish last names and then added a "Berg, Berger, Stein, or Feld" to the end of it, and there, you have yourself a database of Jewish names for simchas to happen to them. Then you can just go ahead and copy people's responses to simchas that happened before the crash, and paste them directly into the newly created simchas, and nobody will notice the fucking difference. I guess, if you want to be neat you can also go ahead and do a Search and Replace on the names and replace them with the new names for the new simcha, for example, if someone responded, "OMFG, MAZEL TOV TZIPPY!!", and this girl's name happens to be Aviva, you can just have it replace the word TZIPPY!! with Aviva, and then make it all caps and slap two exclamation points onto the end of it, and there you have yourself a real simcha.

So if you failed to realize by my complex description, basically, nothing productive ever comes from that site (except of course, my articles), and it's basically used for a bunch of degenerate teenage girls to be able to waste their time responding to messages on some person's simcha blog because they're too cheap to pay $4 a month for their own GoDaddy account where they would be able to post whatever the hell they wanted without being censored. Oh, but maybe people wouldn't bother visiting their site because their content would suck so much.... Anyways, as I see it, the crash was a good thing. Now, all the people who have nothing to do with their pathetic lives but post on that site can now go ahead and repost everything they posted within the last week. That must be fun, I mean, really, you know, trying to make your "OMFG REALLY????" sound genuine after already knowing about the simcha for a week. And plus, it gives them something to do, which they obviously need so desperately.. So I think the crash was a good thing.

This isn't really a good ending for a rant, but then again, this wasn't a rant, and it also wasn't really funny, so why should it need an end?

 

...but if you insist,

 

THE END. YOU SUCK. NOW GO DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE WITH YOUR LIFE.