HELL is cool if you're a masochist.
3/27/06
 

NOTICE: Nothing in this rant should be mistaken for truth.

Just a friendly reminder to you all that....

YOU'RE GOING TO HELL

Face it, you've sinned. You've missed davening, jerked off countless times, talked shit about other people, and all the rest of those lovely things that you can't stop doing, which also happen to be forbidden. Oh, did I ever mention masturbation?

Anyways, I've heard those people say "well uh, duhhhh, since I'm going to hell anyways, why not enjoy myself on this world and stay in hell for a little longer; I mean, I'm already there, what's a couple of more days in a blazing hot oven anyway??"

That's a shitty argument if you ask me. How about I light your ass on fire right now and let it burn for three days straight. Then you can tell me whether "a couple of more days in hell" is a big deal or not.

But here's my problem. What if you're a sick fuck like me? What if you get a gigantic erection every time you see someone lose a finger? I mean the other day I saw this car run into a street sign, a girl come flying out of the windshield, landed on the hood of a car that was driving on the perpendicular road and then went flying off the windshield in several pieces. Needless to say, I squirted happy juice all over my pants that very second. I even skipped the whole erection part.

...But let's not talk about me. Let's talk about you and why you're going to hell. You're going to hell because you've done wrong, and now, if you just happen to be a sick fuck like me, you might've lucked out because I happen to enjoy pain. I like watching others get hurt, and I especially enjoy being tortured myself. In fact, hell sounds pretty cool to me, so I think I'm just gonna sin for the rest of my life, have a good time, and then die and go to hell where I will have an even better time getting my ass roasted in a fire, which did I mention? I enjoy very much. I'm glad my argument seems to make more sense to you than the "extra couple of days" one that other dumbasses tend to use.

As for you, it sucks that you don't enjoy being tortured. Now be a good boy so you won't end up in HELL.