Why I will never understand pre-made Shaloch Manos.
03/20/14
 

Without a doubt, every year you will receive a load of premade Shaloch Manos from people who didn't want to put any effort into the mitzvah, yet still felt it was important to give you a basket full of crap that you will never eat.

Why?

Don't get me wrong. I love Shaloch Manos, but if all you are looking to do is 'fulfill your obligation', then why not stop at two items to two people? But no, you care about what people think of you, and more importantly, what they will think if you don't give them anything. So you drive over to the closest store and pick up 100 baskets of candy and other useless crap and hand out the same thing to everyone. Because nothing shows someone how much you care about them more than taking one of the 100 lined up identical baskets off your table and handing it to them.

So if that's why you did this then you are shit out of luck because now I think you are a soulless puppet who goes through life doing the same shit as everyone else without ever thinking for a second if it even makes any sense. Here's a little tip: If you don't give someone a Shaloch Manos, they will probably not think about you at all, because people have better things to do than spend their entire day thinking of you. But now they are going to think of you, and they are going to think you are an asshole because you rang their doorbell to give them a pile of crap and to let them know that your friendship goes only as far as "what you would think of them if they wouldn't have given you a Shaloch Manos". Not to mention they now have a basket full of candy which nobody eats because you were too dumb to put together something practical like a sandwich. Pretty much you just ruined their day.

Here's another good pointer: If you are old enough to be giving out Shaloch Manos, you are probably not eating Liebers lollipops, and I can guarantee you sure as shit don't want your kids eating it either. So unless you somehow fall between these two mutually exclusive conditions, leave out the lollipops.

And while we're on the subject, you know what I like to do? Give Shaloch Manos out to completely random people and then not give back to anyone who gave me. Because fuck them, this isn't pre-1-a and this isn't a grab-bag. If you give me something, I don't have to give you back something. Otherwise, you really didn't give me anything, did you.