How to properly score yourself a seat on a NYC subway train:

    A lot of people have this remorse thing when they grab a seat before an old lady can wobble herself over to it; I don't get it, if you force her to stand, she might fall and break her hip, and then her social security won't come out of my paycheck (which is a good thing). But that's besides the point. Seats are fair game. No old lady ever gets up to give me HER seat, so I don't see why I would ever have to get up to give her mine. But in case you do feel that bit of remorse when you swipe a seat from an old lady, here are some useful tips that will make seat-swiping a painless effort:

    - Never, EVER make direct eye contact. In fact, it's best to look down at the floor while you skittle across the train car and grab a seat. If you don't make direct eye contact, you won't feel like you're taking the seat from someone else who could have potentially gotten it, and better yet, they won't feel like they are having a seat jacked from them. If you just feel weird staring at the floor, you can always get yourself a pair of sunglasses; which by the way, look cool, because wearing sunglasses always looks cool, end of story.

    - If the train is nearing China-town, just stand next to the Chinese chick. While you may exchange those "I'm not getting off here, stop stereotyping Chinese people with living on Canal Street!" / "no matter what you say bitch, I KNOW you're getting off" stares back at each other for 10 minutes, in the end, both of you know that right before those train doors close, she's going to grab her baggies and dive for the door..... and Walla, you've got yourself a seat! Just remember not to make direct eye contact with anyone.

    - If you are carrying a bag with you, it always pays to hold onto the rail directly above where someone is sitting, and clutch the bag with the same hand, thereby blocking the person's view. When the train makes sharp turns, be sure to let your bag sway into the victim's face. This technique works especially well with someone who has a lousy self-esteem. These people are really easy to pick out of the crowd. Just look for someone tiny and puny looking, with big ugly glasses, and you've got yourself a sure shot. You can even assume that they have a high-pitched voice. Otherwise, you can just make your way down the train trying this on different people until you find someone pathetic enough to get up from their seat and pretend like it's their stop (but we all know that they go back out onto the platform and get into the next car). Similar to this, eating a sandwich next to someone might do the trick too. Think Dunkin Donuts Egg & Cheese, and make sure it's hot and smelly. Those things are so nasty they'd make even the dead get up and move away. The only bad part about this method is that you actually have to eat the sandwich.

    - WARNING: USE SPECIAL CAUTION WITH THIS ONE! Another thing that usually works is squeezing yourself into a space on the bench that you physically don't fit into, thereby squeezing everyone around you out, and the corner-most people, into the metal bars on the ends. Use special caution with this one because you end up pissing an entire bench of people, and if one of them happens to be six-times your size, you will likely get yourself a black eye, and no seat. Generally, if you're bigger than everyone else on the bench, you can do this.

Other tips:

Generally, it's a good idea to stand in the center of a bench, thus maximizing your seat availabilities. Standing in an area that doesn't have any seats by it is going to lessen your chances of getting to that seat before the old lady whose bank account your paycheck deductions are going to, gets it. It's also a good idea to look out for people who start looking around making sure their bags are with them, tightening their grip on the stuff they're holding, putting their laptop away, zipping up their bag, winding up their headphones around their MP3 player, etc.


Well...happy seat swiping. And remember: The seat is just as much yours as it is anyone else's. And no one told the guy with the broken leg to break his leg. Or, to ride the subway.