The day I lost
total and complete respect for PaKua.
10/9...
I was trying to pinpoint the exact time that I lost total
and complete respect for PaKua. It wasn't the time that I
walked into a PaKua place to drop something off for someone
and saw that everyone there was on laptops, on aim and
nobody was practicing. Nor was it the time that I kicked a
PaKua instructors ass - that's right, 114 pound pathetic ass
me put down a black belt PaKua Instructor. No, it wasn't
that either.
And then it hit me. It was the time that I walked by a PaKua
"store" and saw a sign outside saying "We sell Sukkah's" in
the main window. What the fuck? Sukkah's in a PaKua store?
This shit was for real, I really saw it. I actually punched
myself in the face a couple of times to make sure I was
really seeing this, and yes, I really was. Apparently,
besides for finding losers girlfriends, boosting their self
esteem, helping them lose weight, getting rid of depression,
providing them with free wireless internet on the premises,
and free medical insurance, PaKua now also sells Succah's.
Lest assure that if you go the PaKua way, you are provided
with anything and everything you may ever want or need in
your life, including Succah's for the dear Jewish brethren.
It seems the that only thing PaKua doesn't actually do is
teach you how to fight.
This guy I know who takes PaKua showed me his knife defense
move. It went something in the line of exposing his wrists
and.......and I didn't pay attention to the rest of it
because once you expose your wrists to a knife, you're dead
shit, so I just turned around and resumed my game of UT.
Figured I'm accomplishing more by fragging, than listening
to this shit... Anyway....
This friend of mine was standing up for PaKua (mostly
because she is a black belt), when I tried telling her that
the art must be crap because this other chick we know, who
cant fight worth shit, is also a black belt. So she said to
me, "well I know how to fight, and I earned my belt, but she
didn't".
-- "Um, excuse me", may I ask, "but doesn't that turn the
entire belt system to shit?"
PWNED.
------------- THE MORE BORING PART ----------------- 10/11
You know they
offer this one-year accelerated program thing where you can
earn a black belt in just one year. That's proof right there
that the whole system is shit. In a real Karate class, they
don't guarantee you anything. There's no promises, or even
estimates of when it will be that you will get your next
belt, and most importantly, there is no way in hell that you
will be a master of the art and be able to teach others it,
in one year's time. You see, PaKua is all about family.
Learning the art in a year, making friends, and finally,
becoming an instructor at the end of your year (yes, I'm
serious!).
You know what I say? I say FUCK THAT. A year is a short
fucking amount of time. It took me more than a year just to
learn how to make serious dents in my high school lockers
without hurting my knuckles. I'm serious, by the way.
You see, one thing I forgot to mention is that PaKua is also
about the money. The "one-year accelerated program" is
basically a way of "cramming more work into the same amount
of hours that you would otherwise be there, but paying more,
and getting your black belt by the end of the year". Can you
decipher this shit? I know I can't. I guess if you've got
serious social problems and don't have any friends, you go
for that one. That way, you can complete the art in one year
and have friends and respect, instead of taking 20 years to
learn a real art, which will take care of your friends
problem right there. (Who needs friends when you can kick
everyone's ass?"
This sort of reminds me of this kid who showed up in my
class in the middle of the ninth grade. He just showed up
one day and sat in his desk quietly during class not saying
a word. Then break came and he went over to one of the kids
in the class and was like "who's the strongest kid in this
class?" We told him who, and that kid was grass by the end
of the day. Then a couple of days later the stranger left,
probably looking for some real competition in some other
school... Legend had it that this kid roamed from school to
school winning himself the gold medal and then leaving. I
wonder what he's up to these days...
Anyway, back to PaKua and how much it sucks.
The worst part is that I'm sure that PaKua used to be a real art. Probably the guy who was supposed to bring the shit over from Korea fell in a puddle of dog shit on his way here and fucked up his instruction booklet. Fear that his master would chop off his dick for screwing up the mission, he opened up Microsoft Powerpoint and invented his own shitty ass version of PaKua, printed it out on shitty paper, and gave it over to instructors all over America, and hence, that is how the American system of PaKua got to be the way it is.
Goddammit. The
Korean people who invented this shit are probably rolling in
their graves right now...