NO I WILL NOT FIX YOUR STUPID GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING CUNT-LICKING COMPUTER.
 

Look, I don't know how to put this but.....

STOP FUCKING CALLING ME. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO, OR EVEN IF I DID, GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR STUPID FUCKING BROKEN COMPUTER. IN FACT, MY OWN COMPUTER DOESN'T WORK BECAUSE I'M TOO FUCKING BUSY ANSWERING YOUR PHONE CALLS ABOUT YOUR STUPID COMPUTER TO HAVE TIME TO FIX MINE. FUCKED UP YOUR BOX GOING TO PORN SITES? NEXT TIME DON'T THROW OUT YOUR SHITTY COMPUTER WHEN YOU GET A NEW ONE, BUT USE THAT ONE TO GO TO PORN SITES, WHILE USING THE NEWER ONE TO WATCH PORN DVD'S WHICH DON'T FUCK UP YOUR COMPUTER. COMPUTER WON'T START UP? MAYBE THAT’S BECAUSE YOU GOT TOO FUCKIN HORNEY LAST NIGHT AND JACKED OFF IN THE WRONG PLACE, AND NOW YOUR COMPUTER IS TRYING TO BOOT TO YOUR DRIED OFF SPUNK THAT’S STUCK IN THE FLOPPY DRIVE. EASIEST FIX? OPEN UP YOUR COMPUTER AND DISCONNECT THE FLOPPY DRIVE WHICH YOU SURE AS HELL SHOULDN'T BE USING IN THIS DAY AND AGE, ANYWAY. EVER HEARD OF A FLASH DRIVE? GET ONE. THE CRUZER MICRO IS ABOUT THE SIZE OF YOUR DICK. IT'S TRANSFER RATE IS KIND OF SLOW COMPARED TO OTHER FLASH DRIVES BUT YOU PROBABLY WON'T NOTICE THE DIFFERENCE, UPGRADING FROM A FLOPPY DISK.

GODDAMMIT. I'M IN COLLEGE AND I SEE THAT THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE STILL USE FLOPPY DRIVES TO SAVE THEIR WORK. I LAUGH WHEN I WALK PAST THE COMPUTERS IN THE LAB AND HEAR THAT STUPID "THUNK, THUNK, GRRRRRR - I CANT READ THIS FUCKING DISK" NOISE. YOU'RE A FUCKING RETARD. STOP BUYING FLOPPY DISKS FROM THE COLLEGE'S BOOKSTORE FOR $5 A PEICE WHEN YOU CAN GET A FLASH DRIVE THAT HOLDS 360 TIMES THE SPACE AND DOESN'T BREAK EVERY DAY, FOR $15 AFTER REBATE, OR LIKE $30 WITHOUT A REBATE, IF YOU'RE TOO FUCKING STUPID TO FILL OUT A REBATE FORM PROPERLY, OR IF YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO ENTER IN YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS PROPERLY ON STAPLESEASYREBATES.COM. WHAT THE FUCK? I CAN AT LEAST UNDERSTAND THIS A LITTLE BIT WHEN I SEE SOME NON-COMPUTER-LITERATE CHICK TRYING TO SAVE HER TERM PAPER ON ABORTION TO A FLOPPY DISK. THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE. BUT WHEN I SEE A COMPUTER SCIENCE MAJOR TRYING TO RUN HIS C++ PROGRAM OFF OF A FLOPPY DISK, I REALLY WONDER HOW HE PLANS ON MAKING IT IN THE WORLD OF COMPUTERS, ESPECIALLY SINCE COMPUTERS DON'T COME WITH FLOPPY DRIVES ANYMORE. WHAT THE HELL, AT LEAST I KNOW THERE'S A CHANCE OF ME GETTING A JOB WHEN I GRADUATE, KNOWING I'M UP AGAINST PEOPLE WHO DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT A FLASH DRIVE IS.

WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE WILL PAY FOR YOU TO COME DOWN TO THEIR HOUSE AND FIX THEIR BROKEN REFRIGERATOR, THEY’LL EVEN PAY YOU TO UNCLOG THEIR STUPID TOILET, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO CLEANING OFF MONTHS OF DRIED UP MAN JUICE FROM YOUR HARD DRIVE, THEY THINK THAT THEY'RE YOU’RE “FRIEND” AND "IT'S COOL LIKE THAT" AND "TIME ISN'T MONEY" AND "THEY DON’T HAVE TO PAY YOU"? I’M TOTALLY SICK OF THIS SHIT, I REALLY AM, AND THIS IS IT. I AIN'T FIXING NOBODY’S COMPUTER ANYMORE. EXCEPT MINE. WANT A GOOD, WORKING SYSTEM? COME OVER TO MY HOUSE WHEN I’M NOT AROUND, GET PAST MY 12 LEVELS OF SECURITY ON MY COMPUTER AND MAKE YOURSELF A CLONE OF MY PERFECTLY-WORKING SYSTEM ONTO YOUR HARD DRIVE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON’T EVEN WANT TO FUCKING KNOW ABOUT IT. JUST DO IT AND MAKE SURE I DON’T FIND OUT. JUST REMEMBER TO DELETE ALL THE PORN I’VE PILED UP ON MY DRIVE. DON’T WORRY, IT’S NOT SHIT YOU’RE INTO ANYWAY, UNLESS YOU HAPPEN TO BE INTO FUCKING DEAD BODIES IN THE ASS, ALSO.

UM, I WAS SERIOUS...

NOW GOODNIGHT. AND FUCK OFF.