What the hell is wrong with me??? Why can't I get laid???

Is it so hard to get laid? All my friends are getting laid like every night, some by their girlfriends, others by complete strangers, different every time, and some by girls other than their girlfriends, but me, I can't get laid!!

It seems that chicks only dig guys who already have a girlfriend. What the hell's up with that? How do they sense it anyway? It's like me and a bunch of friends walk into a bar and the girls automatically walk over to the guys with girlfriends and start chatting them up but me, NOTHING! Do I have to wear a little tag that says I have a girlfriend? Should it say her name? What's a good name to put on it? This isn't fair! I'm just a small man tangled up in a confused world and all I wanna do is get laid! I'm decently attractive, I'm funny, I have a job, I posess 1337 skillz, ..... Oh wait. Maybe that's the problem. Do girls in bars sense FPS on you? Does it leave like a residue smell when you're done playing Counterstrike or something?

So big deal, I know how to frag, and write rant articles. Why can't I get laid? I mean, Maddox has a site, and he's pretty leet, and he claims to have/have had a girlfriend, what the hell is wrong with me! Even the system administrator at my college got laid last week! I know this because he allocated us each another 20MB to our accounts.. I can now fit like a whole 20-minute porno clip in my account in really shitty quality. Help me! I don't want pr0n anymore!!! I want RL sex!! I'm not even a bad guy, like I wouldn't finish on their faces like all those fucked up dudes do in the pornos. Why do girls put up with guys finishing on their faces anyways, when they can have someone like me who'd be nice to them? This doesn't make any sense..

The closest I ever got to getting laid in the last three years was like this one time that I ran into three drunk chicks on my way home from the city. They asked me to take them back to their place, and I thought that was really cool. Then they invited me inside and started getting naked, and I was thinking that my night was about to turn grand. But then one of them started puking all over the place, another one somehow managed to light the place on fire, and then these three black guys, each about six times my size showed up wanting to kick my ass. I still don't know what the fuck went on there but all I know is that I was running away from giant burning building with three 8-foot-tall punks chasing after me.


And then there was the time that I told this girl I like her and found out that she had posted our IRC convo on like 12 different message forums and everyone was calling me a n00b. Then my RL friends found out about it too they all make fun of me now for it. My life has becomed ruined and utterly pathetic, as well as miserable, all because I can't get laid. I've tried clubs, blind dates, asking friends out, asking friends' girlfriends out, dating sites, classifieds, nothing works! Any time I'm supposed to meet up with some girl from a dating site, she either doesn't show up at all, or she's nice about it and calls right before to cancel.

I know I probably still have a chance with one of those really fat chicks who cant get out their front door in the morning. I mean, if they can't get out of their house, they can't meet anyone else, and eventually, they'll get sick of just staring at me and they'll wanna fuck me. But I'm not so sure I wanna fuck them. I mean, even if I did, I'd probably just end up fucking the fat around their vagina and that's just disgusting -- more disgusting than fucking a 400-pound obese chick in the right place.

If anyone has any helpful advice, or wants to fuck me, please email me... I'm getting very desperate, and I'm beginning to feel that there's no longer a purpose in this life, especially if I can't even get laid... I mean, weren't people created to gain knowledge, work, eat, sleep, and fuck? I can't even perform life's basic functions!! So anyways, my invitation is open. I look okay, I'm not overweight, I'm funny, fun to be around, I can even fix your computer when it breaks, and I will NOT finish on your face! What else do you want??

I mean, crap, why do all these qualifications have to be met ANYWAYS, just to fuck?? Why does someone have to be funny when he's inserting his dick into your pussy anyways? Last time I was spying on my friend and his girlfriend, they were both moaning and gasping for air during sex. He wasn't cracking jokes, playing the guitar, or doing anything else that girls insist on you doing before you fuck them. And either way, I think I'm pretty funny...

So, my invitation's open... feel free to email me.

Oh, and no guys/transvestites/she-males/other-fucked-up-kinds-of-people, please... I don't even know what's out there...and I don't want to.