How about expressing yourself by getting a phone that everyone in the world does NOT have?

It's funny how all the latest cell phone advertisements all seem to be plugging the idea of "expressing yourself". Yeah, express yourself by getting a Motorola RAZR. Express yourself by getting a Nokia 8801. Shit. Have you looked around lately? Do you know anyone who doesn't either have a Motorola RAZR, be related to someone who doesn't have a Motorola RAZR, or fuck someone who doesn't have a Motorola RAZR? Neither do I. The only thing you're expressing about yourself by getting a Motorola RAZR is that you're a dickhead who buys shit because the advertisements say it'll help you express yourself. Maybe you'll get into the "RAZR" fraternity at your college. Wow. Now that's something special.

The Nokia 8800. Looks like shit, feels like shit, works like shit; but guess what -- it's gold. Now there's a reason right there to throw in a $767.11 dollar bid on eBay to win this beauty. What, do you disagree?

Yes, if I must say so myself -- I do have a pretty crazy obsession with cell phones myself, but I buy shit because it's got cool features, not because it reflects sunlight at people when they look at it. If you're really curious, I currently own a Sony Ericsson W800i, and love it very much. It has cool features like a 2-megapixel camera (not equivalent to a real 2-megapixel camera, but it is, by far, the best camera phone I've used), A nice built-in MP3 player which stops the music when a call comes in, great support for games, Bluetooth, infrared, a memory card slot, and the ability to control movies and music playing on my PC (Pause, volume, next, back, etc) using the phone in remote control mode via Bluetooth while I'm sitting on my bed. The phone is not very pretty. I've been told that it looks like an ugly toy, "who the hell authorized engineering this thing", etc. The list goes on. And then the occasional chick: "awwww itss soooooo CUUUUUTEEEE!!". Yeah. Whatever. I know you're full of shit.

And then there's the iPod. The iPod absolutely pisses me off. Why? It's really simple. Remember when iPod only came in white? That was the Apple signature. Huge white thing with a little light-up apple in the center, which also lights up white. And then, Steve Jobs decided that it's time to revamp the color thing. "Get in touch with your dark side" the new RAZR ads read. I'm sure Apple had a similar slogan. Oh -- what's that? Apples aren't white anymore? Correct. Now they come in white, and black -- for those who have a dark side. Real mothafuckin expression right there. You're either a white iPod person or a black iPod person. Being that there's only two choices, that definitely means that by choosing one of the only two available options, you're expressing yourself, right?

The real reason iPod pisses me off is because of their marketing. They change a feature and half on the iPod, put it into smaller packaging, and everyone's running to the store to buy the new one and eBay their old one. If you notice, the iPod mini's screen didn't scratch, but the Nano did. That made it a whole new great thing when the 2nd generation Nano came out -- where the screen doesn't scratch -- oh my! Apple just put something back which they were an asshole for taking away in the first place!

Anyways, all this marketing bullshit pisses me off. Buy something that's good, not something that everyone else has, and advertisers tell you "will help you get in touch with your dark side". Hell, why do people want to get in touch with their dark side anyway? I'm trying to get away from mine! My mom keeps telling me that having a human skeleton in my closet is not cool.

For those of you who really want to express yourselves, why don't you construct your own cell phone out of woodchips or plaster? That might actually get you some strange looks when you're on the train, which is all you guys really want anyway. In case you're wondering where to get the parts from, check out sparkfun. They sell all kinds of weird modding shit. Cya.