How to make a metal concert kick some ass.

Fuck the intro...

Before you go in...
1) Arrive early, even if you don't want to see the opening band. If you don't want to see the opening band and there is no re-entry, then just hang around outside, otherwise go in and check the band out; it's risk-free. While hanging around outside, be sure to have at least one friend with you who'se gone to multiple metal shows with you. Talk loudly to him about all the shows you guys have been to, cool things that happened at them, etc. Make sure people hear you. When you see someone wearing a T-shirt from a band who recently played (and you were at), talk to them. Ask them if they were at the show and if they remember when 'that' happened. Slowly lure more and more people into your conversation until you can say something influential like 'Yo let's all start chanting 'this', or 'I'll see you guys in the pit'. You now have a large crew of people who can easily influence the entire concert crowd. Remember, things started in a concert room travel really quick, so you pretty much own the show now.

Once you're ready to go in...
2) (Be sure to pick up the free condoms they are offering you right outside the concert room, more about that later...) Now, you may think that since you hung around outside during half the opening band, you can't get to the 'good spots' now. That is completely wrong. You now have an arsenal of metalheads on your side to help you push through and get to where you want. And in case the crew thing didn't end up working out, you can just surge up that bit of energy to be an asshole for 30 seconds. That's all it takes in a small-medium sized venue such as B.B. King Blues Club & Grill or Nokia Theatre. Shove your way to the front. I'm tiny and I get away with it. By the time the people realize they were just shoved aside by a little pipsqueek, you're 7 layers in front of them and they got the shitty spot and you've got the good one. As a final and last resort, you can always move slowly through people to get to the 'moshpit' area. It's easy to get there because a huge space around it opens up from pussies who are too afraid to mosh. If you're afraid to mosh, I don't understand why, however you can still stand right outside the pit as the whole area is cleared out. This is kind of fun also because you get to 'throw' guys who are coming at you at high speeds back into the pit. More about moshing later...

The right place to stand...
3) Stand about 10 feet from the stage, dead center of the room. There is no other place to stand. This will allow you to start all the chants as well as control/partake in any moshpits that occur. From there you also get a great shot at the band because it's all spread out due to pussies who move elsewhere because they are afraid of getting 'bumped around a bit'. While you may think that standing in the absolute front is the best place to stand, here are some things you should consider:
A) The band does not give a shit about you.
B) If you still can't get over the fact that the band doesn't give a shit about you and think that if you stare at the band from close-up and make hand-motions to them, they'll somehow remember you, look up your phone number and ask you to tour with them, just know that the band isn't looking at the losers in the front. They're looking at the pit because that's where the action is. And as I already mentioned, the large open space around the pit makes it extremely easy for the band to see you from there (and in your own stupid illusion, remember you).
C) The people at the show DO give a shit about you. If you make the people at the show have a good time (by being cool, heling start pits, helping up people who fall in the pits, taking down idiot metal-core moshers (more about that later), helping up people who want to crowd-surf, etc., you are their hero and are the second most important thing to them other than the band.
D) If you're afraid of getting 'beaten up' in the pit, or 'getting stomped' on, let me fill you in on some details you are obviously missing if you think that standing right up-close to the stage is any better: Other than at Limp Bizkit concerts, the people in the pit are highly trained (they've been to other metal concerts) to know that when a man falls, you help him up. The pit stops, one guy grabs each arm until the person is up, then another person throws the person to the side of the pit (instantiating the ricochet effect) and the mosh pit continues, noone being hurt. If you think that standing up-close to the stage is better, let me tell you something: I will mosh any day but I am scared as fuck to stand up close to the stage, which I call "The Quicksand Zone". Since there are so many stupid people fighting to get to the front of the stage (because they think the band gives a shit about them), the end result is a tightly packed crowed swaying left, right, forward and back, about 10 feet in each direction. Should your foot get caught in someone else's during this 'swaying effect', you go down -- and slowly. Since these douchebags clearly don't know anything about metal, you slowly fall down until you hit the floor where you then get slowly trampled on by 100 or so built 6' tall guys who so busy keeping their hands around their girlfriends 'protecting them', thatthey don't even notice that they are stepping on your mutilated carcass.

Moshing and just plain being-awesome...
4) Moshing is a little tricky. Okay, actually it isn't. There is no elbowing or kicking around. As you don't listen to 'metal-core' (if you do, just close this page now), you should know how to mosh. Moshing does not involve flailing around your arms and legs like a broken chicken, it involves shoving -- see, nobody gets hurt. When the band is playing a ballad it is sometimes wrong to mosh. In that case you should jump up and down, headbang, or fling your hair around in a repettitive circle (watch any Amon Amarth music video to see how to do that). If someone gives you the slightest notion that they want to surf, grab them and hoist them up. Just make sure that you have at least one other person helping you out. The other option is standing right next to the guys who hoist (her) up because then you can pretend like you are helping too but really be grabbing her ass and/or tits. This is perfectly acceptable at metal concerts and will not get you in trouble, unless of course her boyfriend happens to be watching you (see appendix C: Not pissing off hot chicks' boyfriends) That appendix doesn't actually exist. Anyway, once the crowdsurfer is up in the air, check to see if they want to go in any particular direction, and if they don't, roll them forward, unless they are really light, (a bulimic chick), in which case just hoist them up as high as you can and throw them as far forward as possible, preferably onto the stage, if you are strong enough.

After the show...
5) Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that during the show you gotta keep walking up to total strangers (who look friendly, not guys who are cradling their girlfriends) and say things like "OH MY GOD, AWESOME FUCKING SHOW!" many times. But that aside, you need to do it once more, but this time you need to first gather up your friends. Naturally your friends will be scattered all over if you've done a good job at the show, so once you are all united, you need to scream out loud (but intented to your friends but that others hear you), "WOW, WAS THAT THE MOST AWESOMEST SHOW EVER?" You've now set a final and lasting feeling in concert room. Time to leave and go outside. It's important that you and your buddies hang around outside the show for at least 20 mins after the show talking more about classic metal tales that have happened at other concerts. Naturally you will be approached by hot chicks who want to know if you know where the band will be coming out from. Here's your in. While you may be tired from moshing for several hours, nobody is too tired to fuck. Start conversing with the chick(s), tell them that you work for PR if necessary, but do keep in mind one thing. If they are asking about the band, they want to meet the band and suck them off (they are total sluts). If you convince them that you can get them closer to the band, or to other bands, or free tickets or anything having to do with shows, they will see it as an incentive to suck your dick, aka. "sucking your dick to get to the band so that they can suck off the lead singer's dick". I especially like this because now you can be sure that the lead singer will end up with remnants of your dick sweat all over him. What a way to go home from a show..

The aftermath...
6) You go home feeling fulfilled about going to a great show, having an awesome time, making friends, and even getting a blowjob.

The real aftermath...
7) You wake up the next morning, sore all over and unable to speak, but you still feel great about that blowjob..