Apple stores are gay -- like really gay.

So I had some issue with the touch sensor on my iPhone so I brought it in to have an alleged 'genius' replace my phone -- but I was in for a huge surprise.

I'm greeted by three Apple dudes right when I walk into the store. The other Apple dudes all stop what they are doing to look at me, smile and wave as I come into the store. I even saw one stop talking to a chick mid-way. WTF is up with that!? The only thing that I could think of was "Oompah Loompah".

They all pretty much look the same. They have a variant of either dark blue, or light blue shirts depending on their level of gayness, which is assessed when they take the job. They all have short scraggly beards, similar to what you see on fourteen year-olds before they learn how to use a shaver.

I also needed to pick up a new iPhone for a buddy of mine as well so I figured I'd ask where to find it. "I hope you're not asking about the 16GB iPhone because we're out of stock on that".


YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.


Then they throw me some "Apple doesn't care about their stores - only their online site" BS on top of that, to make it look like they're the innocent ones here, and that they secretly hate Apple and aren't the Granny-Smith lovers they are dressed out to be --Well it's not going to fool me. I know that they all eat, sleep, dream, and even jerk off to the Apple logo, and their vaguely anti-Apple remarks that Steve Jobs told them to say (it makes them look like they are on your side) aren't going to change that.

One Apple rep even had the nerve to tell me that he didn't see the point of the Apple TV before this last update because now it 'integrates everything'. Another sad attempt at trying to take the customer's side while also trying to sell him the product. I bet that before the update came out, he wasn't telling all the customers that the Apple TV is a useless peice of crap!

Let's not get off-track here, but I'm not even going to get into the irony of Apple not stocking enough of their latest product in their own retail stores.

I head up to the " genius " bar to deal with my broken iPhone and much to my amazement, find myself in something that looks like a nursery. There are tables with computers all around them, and these blue-guys talking to really stupid blonde chicks explaining to them how to plug in a printer (I thought it can only physically plug into one place, guess I was wrong.... or maybe these people are just really stupid).

So I slowly approach one of these blue-dudes, carefully looking behind me to make sure another one doesn't try to mount me, and I explain my issue to him. Rep: "Uh, did you make an appointment?"
Me: "Appointment!??!??!"
Rep: "Yes, you see, the Apple store is like a doctor's office"
Me: "it is?"
Rep: "Yes, you make an appointment, as you would for a doctor, then you show up at that time [and wait another hour]"
Me: "This is really gay."

[Just kidding. I didn't say that, I wanted my iPhone fixed.]

Rep: "But we'll put you on standby."

I then waited a good half hour so that a "Genius" could look at my phone to determine that the touch sensor is in fact, broken, and give me a new phone.

Actually, I wish that happened. I did wait the half hour, but then the Apple rep just looked at my phone in disbelief when he saw that this phone had never been activated before. "You say you were using this phone, yet you reset it before you brought it in, and our records show this phone as never being activated". Long story short, the problem I was having happened so rare, that we could not reproduce it. He also suggested that I update my firmware, as that might fix the problem (right, because everyone in the world had this problem just two days ago, before this firmware was released), and told me that he really can't do anything with the phone until I straighten my activation mess out with AT&T, and update the firmware.

And I thought they were just going to give me a new phone...

So the Apple "genius" couldn't even figure out that I hacked my phone. What a slut. Clearly I removed all apparent signs that the phone was hacked, as I wanted it serviced, but common sense should have told him that I was just a good hacker who can cover his tracks. And I suppose I'll be a bit smarter next time and activate it once the right way before taking it in.


So basically, Apple geniuses are both gay and lack common sense.

And I think that next time I talk to Steve Jobs, I'll tell him that they should have straight Apple stores and Gay apple stores; this way customers can choose which one to go to, because with the current situation, I think I'd rather have a broken phone than walk into one of those stores again.


In closing, don't buy an iPhone, or any Apple products. While you may THINK you are just purchasing the product because of it's superior workmanship, even if this is true, you are also [inadvertently] buying into the whole gay Apple trend, promoting those faggy commercials, saying yes to products that only work one way and have no options, and enabling all those Apple hippie followers to feel more okay about themselves, which they shouldn't, because they are gay hippies. I wish there was a way to buy an Apple product without promoting Apple and their gay culture, but there really isn't, so you'd best stick with those Windows Mobile devices even though they suck.