A Rant of mikecoon

Why Serious Sam 2 Sucks and Theories as to Why Croteam did What They did.

 
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      Serious Sam the First and Second Encounters were two of the finest games that I had ever played. The plot was simple, the enemies were cool and scary, the graphics were great, there were little puzzles to solve, and most importantly, there was violence galore. The enemy kept coming at you and you kept blasting away with everything you had. This was the perfect game for mindless violence. After the Second Encounter, there was one last piece of business to take care of: kill Mental.

    When they first announced Serious Sam 2, I became very excited about the prospect of finally killing Mentat. Over the course of the year after the first announcements, Croteam released many press releases about how they would improve game play, improve the graphics, introduce new weapons, introduce vehicles, introduce physics and so on. They made me believe that Serious Sam 2 would be better than the first. Well, it was not better. In fact, it was not even good. In fact, Serious Sam 2 sucked.

    Serious Sam 2 sucked for many reasons. The graphics sucked. The enemies sucked. The NETRICSA sucked, the people you were trying to saved sucked, and the action sucked. The whole game was cutesy and effeminate and had new age theme to it. And the game tried to be funny throughout the whole game. Croteam, comedians you aint.

    The graphics sucked because they were cartoonish and comical. Basically, Croteam took the enemies in the first Serious Sam and castrated and emasculated them. Then they pumped them full of estrogen and gave them a Tammy Faye makeover. I kinda wanted to cuddle and pet the enemy as opposed to blowing them away. You have to see it to understand what I mean.

    Then they gave Netricsa a female voice and a female persona. The worse part was she kept nagging you to do this or that every 5 minutes or so. Shut the fuck up, bitch.

    In Serious Sam 1, it was just you and the forces of Mental. For Serious Sam 2, Croteam decided you needed help in form of benevolent tribal people with crying cutesy babies thrown in. And get this, when one of these people got killed, they exploded into hearts and colorful flowers and such. How stupid is that?

    The action was extremely boring compared to the first Serious Sam.  

    I could have been more detailed in my analysis but I think it is just best that you see for yourself. 

    Now, instead going into more detail of why and how Serious Sam 2 sucked, I decided to elaborate on possible theories on why Croteam did what they did to Serious Sam 2.

   Theory 1: George Lucas influenced Serious Sam 2. George Lucas was the fucker who pretty much destroyed the Star Wars series after he started to direct them starting with the Return of the Jedi. In Return of the Jedi, he introduced the Ewoks. The little furballs whose purpose was to provide some comic relief and to attract little kids to the movies. The one scene that summed up the stupidity of the Ewoks was where a group of Ewoks, using what appeared to be sticks, overcame a couple of fully armored and armed Storm troopers. The same goddamn Ewoks that would have been made extinct by anyone with a lighter and a can of WD-40.

     In Serious Sam 2, the Croteam introduced races of people Sam was supposed to save. These people paralleled the Ewoks in almost every way. They were cute and cuddly and innocent and would appeal to kids and effeminate men. They exploded into flowers and colorful shit when killed also. There were also crying  babies that would smile and look up at you with innocent eyes if you picked them up. Given the evidence, there is a strong indication that George Lucas influenced Serious Sam 2.

    Theory 2: Many members of the Croteam got girlfriends. It is a fact that computer programmers are socially inept. Most of us geeks and nerds live with our moms, don't have friends, and certainly don't have girlfriends. The problem is when a programmer gets a girlfriend, the programmer somehow acquire a mental virus that completely rewires his brain to do one thing: please his girlfriend. After all, he is finally getting some ass and he don't know how long it will be before he gets laid again.

      Of course, women know this  and since they are conniving bitches, they take advantage of the situation. Given the feminine and cutesy qualities of the video game, the evidence suggest there was a very strong female influence in the making of this game.

    Theory 3: The entire Croteam were a bunch of closet homosexuals who finally came out of the closet.

    Theory 4: It was a combination of the first three theories.

     Well, in the end, I could not finish the game. It just was not the same. I will stick to the First and Second encounters for now.